Brett has left a huge hole in the lives of his Mummy and big brothers Conor then aged 4 and Joel then aged 2. This is dedicated to my beautiful son Brett Richard Brocklebank who was born on 28th July 2003 and he fell asleep on 9th October 2003 aged 10.5 weeks. He was born at home 6 weeks premature weighing 5lb 4.5oz after 9 days of very slow labour!! I had been back and forth to the hospital 3 times that week each time they stopped it but he had other ideas. Both he and I spent 10 days in hospital after he was born as we had both contracted Strep B and needed medication. He didn't need any help with his breathing and astounded the nurses with how well he did being early and small. We came home on 8th August and he was so tiny that he looked like a little doll in his car seat. He was a very content baby hardly ever cried not even for a feed. He woke twice in the night for a feed but then quickly fell back to sleep. He never took much rocking bless him. He loved his two older brothers Conor now 9 years and Joel now 8 years. The morning he fell asleep was the worse day of my life. I woke up at 6am to feed him and put him down to sleep with me. At 6.35am my son Joel came in for a drink and I lay Brett down so that I could get Joel a drink and noticed instantly that he was grey and lifeless. I screamed and my now ex partner came to help. I rang for an ambulance while he lay Brett down to start CPR. My neighbour heard the screams and was banging on the door she took Conor and Joel to her house while we waited for the ambulance. My ex wouldn't come to the hospital with me so my neighbour who I only knew for 4 weeks had to come with me. The hospital tried for a further 40 minutes but it was no use he had gone. He was wrapped in a towel and I was taken to a room in another ward to say goodbye to him. Phoning everyone to tell them that he had died was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The hospital staff were lovely all of them in tears whenevr they had to come into the room, and they never stopped appologising for disturbing what little time I had left with my beautiful baby. I got about 3.5 hours with him which wasn't long enough but the hospital had to do the post mortem. I was taken home by a police officer, it wasn't until I left the hospital that I realised that I had only got on a nightie and had no socks or shoes and had to walk barefoot outside. But I was too numb to care. When I got home all of Brett's things were still there, his pram ready to take him out to take Conor to school, his bottles made up in the fridge ready for his feed, his nappies and rocker chair...... Everything in the house reminded me of him. We went back to the hospital that night to dress him and I chose a little baby blue track suit set with BABY written on the jacket and I had also bought him a hat. We held the funeral a week later on 17th October. I chose Brahms' lullaby (It is the song playing on here but it hurts too much to hear it so I always have my volume down when I come onto his page) to be played as we walked into the church, Brett's father wouldn't carry his coffin which was the most beautiful, tiny box I've ever seen. His Uncle David carried it in and he was in absolute tears bless him. I don't remember much of the funeral it was a blur but I do remember seeing my health visitor there crying at the back. As we walked out of the church we had Cher's 'If I could turn back time' playing. After the buriel we released 25 helium balloons for him to play with in heaven. My two boys talk about him all of the time and I know that they will tell their children about him so his memory will never be forgotten. Me and the boys release helium balloons every birthday, Xmas and anniversary so that he can catch them and take them to heaven to play with all the other babies. We have pictures of him around the house The boys recieve a Xmas present and a birthday present every year from Brett and a card and we buy him things for his birthday. Both boys have a teddy of Brett's to cuddle at night and a picture of him in their rooms. We have 2 keepsake boxes with everything from Brett's first photo to the cards that people leave on his flowers. These keepsake boxes have helped me so much to try to come to terms with the fact that he's no longer here but more than that it's for Conor and Joel when they're older to show their children just what a beautiful angel their little brother was. The following poem was on a card given to me by my sister-in-law and Brett's Aunty Gemma. HANG IN THERE Sometimes there are bad days when life becomes a fight And all that you can do is to hold on tight Remember dawn comes after darkness and fiercest storms don't last In the future this hard present will become a distant past So here's a simple message I hope that you will heed it I'm always here to help so call me if you need it. The next 2 poems were written by me just after Brett died and I read them aloud at his funeral. The first is a poem I wrote for Brett from his brothers Conor and Joel who were only 4 and 2 when Brett died. And the second was written by me from my heart and read by me at my baby boy's funeral. You came to us for a little while We'll never forget your little smile God took away our baby brother In our hearts there'll be no other So here's our final chance to say We'll love and miss you everyday Goodbye little Brett, we don't know why God took you away up in the sky As me and Joel play together We'll never forget our baby brother Copyright (c) Emma Prothero ********************* We thought you'd never leave us Thought you'd never go We promised we'd always protect you But now we'll never know We made so many promises That now we cannot keep The thought of you apart from us Makes us weep and weep and weep When we remember the way you smiled at us A tear fills up our eyes Because we knew you'd rather be here with us Than with Jesus in the sky When we saw you the very last time You were so peaceful, you felt no pain We know you're up there looking over us all Now you're eyes are closed, never to open again So Brett be peaceful wherever you are You're Mummy's little superstar Copyright (c) Emma Prothero Sweetheart I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I will love you tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Always loved and never forgotten Mummy and big brothers Conor and Joel xx The day God took you from my arms he didn't realise the pain he was going to cause. Everyday I carry around the millions of pieces of my broken heart in the hope that one day in the future my heart will mend just a little. Even though you left me remember sweetheart that my love for you will keep the fires of our hearts burning forever, you are my heart and my soul baby boy. I love you darling and always will all the way to the moon and back xxxxxxx